32-year-old boyfriend refuses to help 30-year-old girlfriend with any task but gets upset when she tries to hire somebody else to help her: ‘When we’ve talked about this, he tells me he wants me to be able to do most things on my own without help’

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Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 21, 2026 8:00 AM EDT

Which flaws should we accept as normal?

I don't think limitations are problematic per se. Maybe you have a boyfriend who can't help you with laundry because he hates doing laundry and has hated it all his life, and maybe you can deal with that, and it's not the end of the world. Maybe that same boyfriend loves doing the dishes, and you hate it, and you divide house tasks accordingly.  The problem arises when your partner's inability to collaborate goes much deeper or creates bigger problems because you don't feel there's enough equilibrium going on. The problem in this relationship doesn't seem to be chores themselves, but specifically when those chores require calling someone else for help, and I think that touches on bigger issues and themes.

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  • man and woman in kitchen
    via Becca Tapert

    The couple sharing shores

    Not actual subjects

  • My (30F) boyfriend (32M) refuses to help me with any task but then gets unreasonably upset when I try to find alternative solutions

    We've been together 5 years and our relationship is mostly wonderful and he does do his fair share of chores and housework around the house so it's not really about that.
    via BlueJuniper26
  • But it seems like if there's a difficult task I need to do that requires two people. and he declines to help, he gets so mad at me for trying to find another solution. Here are a few examples
    via BlueJuniper26
  • I bought a shelf and a tv stand for our guest room. When it arrived, it was obviously too heavy for me to move on my own. I asked my boyfriend for help and he kept declining
    via BlueJuniper26
  • or making excuses and was even upset with me for not buying something easier to move. I decided to go online and try to find someone I could pay to come help me and
    via BlueJuniper26
  • he flipped out and told me it was ridiculous for me to pay someone, that maybe he could help, etc. and basically trying really hard to dissuade me despite his outright refusal to help? 2. Our cat had a small
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  • accident while he was gaming and he asked me to come over and clean off the cat and everything else even though he was right there not doing anything. Our cat was scared and
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  • kept running away from me and he got so mad and said "ugh just forget it. I'll do it" but didn't even move to get up. So I grabbed one of our cats favorite toys to try and lure him and my boyfriend got so angry and said "you don't need to do
    via BlueJuniper26
  • any of that" (it worked and I was able to clean off the cat). 3. Our washing machine stopped working and I asked him to take a look and he refused to do so. I then asked him to ask his
    via BlueJuniper26
  • brother to come over and look (his brother is a handyman for work) and he said he would only do it after I had cleaned the entire house because he didn't want his brother to see any mess.
    via BlueJuniper26
  • a woman lifting weights
    via Marvin Cors

    The woman preparing to lift large objects

    Stock image

  • I decided to try and find someone online to come repair it or at least help me figure out what was wrong and he got very upset and told me it was a waste of money and all this and that.
    via BlueJuniper26
  • When we've talked about this, he tells me he wants me to be able to do most things on my own without help. I get it, but some of these things seem impossible to do on my own?
    via BlueJuniper26
  • If he needs help with things I usually try to do. my best to assist. It just feels like I don't get the same energy. I guess I just want advice on what to do in these situations when they come up. All of this happened within the last
    via BlueJuniper26
  • week or so, so it happens pretty often. I always end up either leaving these things and not doing them because he gets so mad or doing them anyways and hes mad because he told me not to. I guess I just don't want him to be mad
    via BlueJuniper26
  • verybeans Is he willing to have an honest conversation about why he refuses and what outcome he wants/expects when you need to do a two person job?
    via BlueJuniper26
  • ishtar_the_move You have a wonderful relationship with someone who literally refuses to lift something too heavy for you?
    via BlueJuniper26
  • ennmac He's lazy, but doesn't want anybody else to know that, and he decided it's your job to keep the secret.
    via BlueJuniper26
  • man and woman arguing
    via Vitaly Gariev

    The couple discussing household chores

    Representative image

  • If you ask me, I think this boyfriend specifically gets mad because his ego gets hurt when his girlfriend threatens to call somebody else for help. He might feel like he should be able to help her and doesn’t want anybody to know he can’t. That said, even though I think I can understand the psychology behind it, that doesn’t make it ok or healthy. It’s easy for us to say, from outside the relationship: ‘She should dump him on the spot’, and that might be a valid option, but many more things come to play when we’re in a relationship; we should try to be mindful and always evaluate whether the flaw that’s presented to us is a deal breaker or not, because there will be no relationship on planet earth without it’s fair share of defects. But what do you think? Is this flaw undoubtedly too much?



     

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relationship advice relationships toxic relationship relationship drama
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